I gotta cut y'all all off...every last one of you

All people do is drink, party and brag about how great their lives are.

Its hard to heal when the world is so self centered and focused on their own happiness.

No I'm not bitter, nor jealous, but most of you don't announce your accomplishments with pride, you announce them with smugness and narcissism.

It seems the world, in particular, western society is so focused on what THEY have they miss everything else around them. They miss the person who is getting ready to jump on the train tracks. They miss the person feeling so distraught they may blow their brains out.

I simply don't care about your mediocre accomplishments and mediocre goals. Goals that will only make YOU feel good about YOURSELF. Goals that don't help your fellow man AT ALL.

I certainly don't feel the need to constantly re-assure your selfish goals and accomplishments with "likes" on your facebook page nor retweets of "Wow good luck".

Try relating to someone else's life and accomplishments without a hidden agenda to get praised for yours.

I know this seems easier said than done but it's not.

I'm sick of mediocrity.

My BEST friend in the whole wide world knows I have issues, she knows I started seeing someone, you know she told me, she thought he could "fix" me and make me "as happy as her man makes her"

"Don't save her....she don't want to be saved"

I don't understand people. People don't understand me.

I'm pretty sure I'll have to stop seeing this guy ....he keeps saying to me "Go to church....go to church, try it....go to church"

If anyone knows me at all, they know I DON'T DO CHURCH ....and I'm not religious.

No it won't help, I tried it. It was weird to me growing up and it's weird to me now. I won't do it.

I won't be in the clubs no more, no more bars, no more no where there is drinking. So you DC folk won't see me unless you want to meet for Tea and crumpets and to discuss H.G. Wells books.....

And pretty much all of DC drinks and bar hops. If you don't do it...you're not cool. I will no longer be cool.

I think I may be over DC. I think I want to move to the middle of no where. I think those places are peaceful. I don't want to be around anything that will make me want to drink.

I feel like the new kid at school. I'll have to make all new friends, create all new habits, I'll be isolated for a while except for the 2-4 people close to me.

This will be hard.

So I'll keep writing like this in the mean time.

You're such a "strong" Person ...UGH

I was having a discussion with someone about my issues...a few people actually, (Why I don't know because people can't understand me worth a shit) and they always reply "But you're such a STRONG woman"

I cringe when I hear that, I cringe even more because I feel bad for not taking it as a compliment.....well...because it's not a compliment

To call someone "strong" means that others are "weak"

That's insulting.

I don't necessarily believe in "weak" and "strong" people in the mental capacity.

Because in fact we are all just....well....human

Just because a woman raised 4 kids on her own doesn't mean she is strong. She is a survivor, sure, is she a provider, sure, determined, of course, loving...eh maybe, but strong...eh...I beg to differ with using that as a way to describe any person who gets through trials and tribulations and make through.

Why? Because it means that the person raised 3 kids with her husband must have NOT been strong, or "weak" rather, cause she couldn't do it alone.

Another instance. Just because a person becomes addicted to drugs, gives up a child for adoption, quits a job, becomes a lazy bum or never moves out of their parent's house doesn't make them "weak". Perhaps they are tired, frustrated, lazy, unmotivated, sad or depressed. Calling them "weak" won't help them change some of their so called "Flaws"

I never use the word "strong" to describe someone who makes it through a lot of strife. And I don't call drug addicts "weak" because they couldn't kick their habit.

I call them human.

I describe their behavior as inspiring, motivating, I describe them as determined. For the "weak" I wonder if they are tired, frustrated, feel worthless, or ashamed.

Weak and Strong IMO should only be used to describe rope, steel rods, or a house structure.

We as humans are NONE of those things.

We are far too complicated to be summed up into 2 categories "weak" and "strong"

Eh...just a though...you weaklings.....I'll strong arm the f*ck out of you.

Trice

I have issues...and I'm not twitter popular....you care

I haven't written in a while, well because most of you don't read my blog anymore...and well, let's face it, I never made it into the clique, popular, blogger circle that is getting people book deals, and twitter attention so that leaves little interest.(shit I don't even know if this posts to twitter..and YES I still use blogger...yall some f*cking template snobs...FOHWTBS)

I'm just a regular person, who types regular thoughts about regular BS that you either are thinking or have no clue about. Or maybe my thoughts aren't so regular...who cares..you're all insane anyway.

Well...here is something you most likely know, I have issues.

A ton of them. And I'm no pretender.

I'm writing today because I need to pick back up my new old hobbies, well, because drinking and clubbing is not doing it for me anymore...

I'm lying, yes it is, however, I try to screw everything in sight (okay just the people that wouldn't let me screw them otherwise that I actually WANT to screw...and that amounts to like 2 people so don't get your hopes up)

I have a lot of stresses in my life, some you know about, most are non of your effing business.

I'm dealing with them now. So I'll probably because one of those annoying bloggers you don't think is good enough for your clique again. And I'm totally okay with that because this is fun for me. Sucking up to other blogger assholes is NOT fun to me. So I will always blog what I want...no I will not blog what I think you will like...because I honestly express my thoughts.

Twitter, meh...twitter makes me relapse....cause all yall alkis do is drink. So eff twitter, plus the popular people unfollowed me anyway, which means the asskissers of those popular will follow suit. which means I'll have no on on there to talk to .....YALL CARE.

Anyhoo. If you read this...this send me a damn GMail message....

and by the way .....YOU ALL SUCK

even if you read this and like my posts YOU ARE ALL SUCK!!!

Love you :-)

Patrice :-)

How to Not Be Terrible at Eating Box

I woke up this morning like I normally do thinking about morning head. Yes. I do this EVERY SINGLE MORNING.

I thought back to a time tho where I woke screaming thinking some critter had attacked my vagina but no...it was my now ex attempting to give me morning head.

God it was awful. It was akin to my clit being thrown in a meat grinder. I eventually taught him how to do it right now he somewhere else eating someone else's box with skill ( ._.)

Moving on. I actually woke up and tweeted that it's really tragic that some men don't know how to eat the box. Since I don't blog much no more..I figure pussy eating is the best most greatest topic to come back and blog about \o/.

Fellas, (and some ladies) I'm going to tell you makes for bad box eating.

1. Sucking too hard on clit - the clit is not a straw that you are trying to get a McDonald's milkshake out of. Juices come from the vagina, not the damn clit. Do not suck on her clit too hard. Yeah she moans when you do it, that's a moan of pain and disgust. You know what sucking on a clit too hard feels like? Sucking on balls too hard.

2. Gnawing on the clit or "chewing" on it - No Yung Joc, it's not a peice of bubble gum. Do not latch on the clit and start shaking your head from side to side like you see in some pornos. That does not feel good and those women are paid to pretend to like everything. Also we do not want to feel your teeth. You know what teeth on a clit feel like? Teeth on your dick

3. Missing the clit entirely - Then you have the assholes that only lick the pussyhole. MOFO ARE YOU CRAZY?!?!? Do you know NOTHING of human woman anatomy? Licking the pussy hole DOES NOTHING!!! Sure you can occasionally lick her vagina opening to catch the taste of her wonderful juices (okay mine are wonderful, I don't know about everyone else's) but remember that's not going to make her have an orgasm.

4. Spending too little time down there - you gotta be a real asshole to lick someone's vagina for 3 seconds then pull out the condom. Then have a nerve to want her to suck your dick till it falls off. Nah. Only a douchebag who doesn't like pussy licks it just enough to make her a tiny bit moist so he can hurry up and give her 2 measly minutes of so called pleasure.

Remember to find her clit, treat it gently, lick it slow (or fast if she likes) and pay attention to her cues to let you know if she is actually enjoying it. I would go into more detail about what to do to make it good but 1. Everyone is different and 2. I don't have time to fap as talking about how to eat her pussy good would turn me on immensely and have me thinking about some folk and some thangs.

Peace

How to Know You Are NOT an Alcoholic

Let's face it. Most of us are a bunch of drunks. If you've ever passed out, fell out, crashed a car, cussed someone out, threw up, fucked some stranger, fucked someone ugly, fucked your best friend...chances are you did so because you were drunk.

Most of us drink more than one time a week. Most of us are alcoholics. Just cause you can get up in the morning and go to work and aren't selling ass for wine or hanging in front of the liquor store doesn't mean you aren't a drunk. But there are signs that mean you aren't an alcoholic. Of course, me being the expert that I am, I'm here to tell you  how to know you are NOT an alcoholic...cause let's face it...most of are alcoholics and just can't tell the difference from not being one cause well...we all are.

1. You Get Hungover - You went out drinking. You sat at home drinking. You wake up with a killer hangover. Everytime you drink you wake up with a  killer hanger. Drunks don't get hungover. Drunks wake up and feel .....normal. This is because a drunk's body  has adjusted to the amount of drinking they do. An alki drinsk so damn much, that their bodies have already adjusted to the level of drinking that it sets itself up to get ready for the alcohol they are getting ready to inject into it. Don't give me that "I drank water" bullshit, cause the fact that an alki knows to drink some damn water in the first place is just another sign they drink too damn much. If you don't get hangovers, then you drink a whole fucking lot. Your body can handle it. You're an alki

2. You don't like to go out - I'm not talking about not liking the movies and dinner. I'm talking you don't like to hang places where people are drinking. You can't stand bars, clubs or anything of that nature. You are also a damn bore when you try and make yourself go to drinking parties and places. Do us a favor and stay your sober ass home. Anyone who likes the nightlife and drinking scene is an alki. Period. Otherwise you wouldn't go out at all...it would be too damn lame. It's weird as fuck being around a bunch of drunk people and not relate. It's like they're speaking another language.

3. You Don't Have a Preference for a Drink - True drunks have a preferred libation for getting twisted. Some like dark, light, wine, champagne even. But you non drunks...you mofos like to order something "fruity" when you go out cause you have no idea wtf you wanna drink because you don't drink. Then that fruity ass drink is always "too strong". FOH. Stfu and why are you even OUT? You coulda drank koolaid mixed with simply lemonade at home. You are going to annoy your friend by hitting her up saying "I'm ready to go when you are". Worse is you follow the trend and buy that nasty ass Redberry Diddy's drink and bring it to a party...then mix it with half a gallon of cranberry juice talking about you drunk. Bitch please

4. You Can Keep Liquor in Your House - If you got liquor under the cabinet or in the fridge or freezer and it's been there a week or more...your ass isn't an alki. Everyone else knows that if you got drink in the house, it's normally going to be drank up in 2-3 days max. The only way you don't drink up all the liquor in your house in a couple days is cause there is none in there to begin with. If you gotta keep liquor out of the house to keep from drinking it, you are, in fact, an alcoholic.....because you have no self control.

5. You Prefer Mixed drinks - Same as not having a preference. Mixed drinks are some shit. The only acceptable mixed drinks alkis prefer are those of the Iced Tea and Margarita persuasion. Drunks know all those other mixed drinks are bullshit. Actually, drunks prefer to drink their liquor straight anyway..sometimes out of a bottle.

6. You Wonder How Other People Drink So Much - Shut your lightweight ass up. You had 2 drinks one night, fell asleep or woke up with a hangover and promised to never drink again. But your friends are going to yet ANOTHER happy hour. You just simply cannot do it this time and wonder how the fuck they drink so much or wonder why they have issues. Shut your lame ass up. They don't want you going with them to happy hour anyway. You're boring.

7. People Notice When You are Drunk - Drunks act the same all the time...cause they are always drunk. You sober mofos have a totally different personality when you are drunk. You piss yourself, throw up, fall out, curse someone out, talk loud, do karaoke, moon someone, jump in the pool naked, whatever....soon as you are not drinking, you "forget" what you did last night and go back to normal. But people are still talking about you the next day cause you were sooooooooooooo out of character. Drunks are drunk all the time so people have seen the ill, drunk, crazy behavior before. It's nothing new to see a drunk act a mess, but when your lame ass gets drunk...people take notice....and they talk about it all the time, for the rest of your life. The only way to stop them from talking about you is to become a drunk.

So If you aren't an alki, that's fine. That's healthier. But healthier people are lame. Safe is boring. Have some drinks and do something stupid. I hear you grow more livers to accommodate the more alcohol you consume. No one trusts people that don't drink anyway. Especially if they have no problem hanging with drunks. It just doesn't seem natural to us alcohol abusers. Makes us want to hide our purses or call the police or something.

CHEERS ALL!!!!

A Few Things I hate about Church

If you follow me on twitter or know me in real life, then this post won't surprise you cause you already know I'm pretty much a heathen.

I wasn't always this way. I was raised by my grandmother so I was raised in the church. I was on the usher board, sang and played piano in the choir. I even thought I caught the Holy Ghost at times lol.

As I got older, and going to church became a choice, I fell off. I started reading the history of religion and how belief in God started in the first place and really started to change my mind regarding my faith.

So yeah, I pretty much don't go to church for obvious reasons. But all of my friends still do. That's fine. Most folk believe in a supreme being. I'm not so sure.

Still I don't mind church. So when my friend invited me last Sunday to go with her, I didn't refuse. It had been a while for me and I was dying to get out of the house.

After going....I decided to write this post. Going to church with her reminded me of why I stopped in the first place.

1. Parking - If you go to a popular church or small one, parking is always hard to find or do. You have to wait till the early morning service is over and some people leave before you can find a reasonable space, or you have to park far away. Or worse, you'd have to get there super early to get a good spot. It's like trying to drive down U street and get free parking all over again. I mean who wants to do this 2 days in a row. You just spent all night driving in circles in Adams Morgan waiting for someone to leave. No thanks

2. Having to touch strangers - What's up with the part of church service where you walk around and hug every damn body. I don't need heavy make-up lady's extras on my damn shirt. I don't want to smell the old man's breath after drinking last night and I don't want the lady that digs up her nose touching me. A simple head nod suffices for me. And if I refuse to hug people and let them touch me, then I look like a stuck up jerk. It's a no win situation

3. Creepy Ministers - I had never been to this church my friend asked me to go to Sunday. During the hug everydamnbody portion of the service, one of the ministers decided to carry on a long conversation with me about nothing. I can't even remember what he said. I just remembered the Clarence Thomas look alike kneeling in front of me, a little too close to comfort, and holding my hand longer than usual in an attempt to either check out my thighs or peek at my cleavage. Either way, it took him forever to leave and I ended up feeling a little violated.

4. Tone Deaf Soloist - If you want to be a famous singer, but somehow can't get there, church is the way to go if you have a decent voice. And even if you don't have a decent voice. There is always that person who they allow to sing solo that can barely carry a tune and end up sounding like their best attempt at karaoke. It's usually a lady to who tries to reach notes that she can't. People smile and clap making her delusions even grander. Then she doesn't want to stop singing when the song ends. She keeps adding more adlibs with more clapping. I really wish I could boo...but that too would make me a jerk.

5. Tithing - First off, I never carry cash. No one really does anymore. So needless to say I didn't have any money for the basket. Which is fine with me cause I think churches launder money anyway. They have all these different assed baskets for the building fund, tithing, church fund, youth ski trip, preacher's Bentley fund. Yeah I made that last one up. But no one really knows what is done with the money, which leads me to my next point

6. Non- Humble minister - Of course the minister had on this fly ass robe. And underneath it I'm sure it was an Armani suit. I don't have a problem with that except this church is in the HOOD. Then the fly ass wife comes strutting down the aisle late in her Armani suit and Loubotin pumps. :-|. Really? You a church in the hood, in the middle of the projects, and you in church wearing suits and shoes costing more than people make in 6 months. That shit really grinded my gears. I ain't putting shit in the basket. Put those $1000.00 shoes in the basket.

7.  Exiting Church - Leaving church is like a mass exodus. People everywhere..slowly walking out. It's like leaving the end of a football game or concert. You have to wait to walk out. Wait to leave the parking lot. It's a mess. And don't try and sneak out early. You get stares from and head shakes from the old ushers in the back. I almost wanted to stick my tongue out at the old lady.

I will say I don't mind the preaching. It's generally a positive message that boosts self esteem. If you take out the word "God" and "devil" from the speech, you can generally leave church feeling better about your problems and what not.

If I was to still be religious, I'm sure I'd be one of the people that attended bedside baptist and would watch my sermons from home.

But I'm a heathen soooooooo I'm going to watch some porn this Sunday instead.

Stupid Sh*t Yall Believe

There are quite a few things that annoy me. That's part of the reason I put the title "Hate" in my blog. Well the main reason actually.

Most of the stuff I hate comes from dumb ass people. Most of these dumb ass people don't read. They rely on other people who don't read to tell them stuff or the news and media who create hype over things to get viewers or for whatever reason.

There are a lot of things that you guys believe in that just isn't true..but here are the three that bother me the most

Stupid Belief 1: Colds come from cold air

Here are a couple of scenarios:

Stupid Person 1: My throat feeling kinda itchy and my nose is runny. Probably because I forgot to put my hat on when I went out yesterday.

Stupid Person 2: Ugh, summer colds are the WORST. I probably got it from having the air conditioner too high

-_-

Now I know back in the day before they allowed us Negros to read, we had no choice but to come up with our own conclusions about stuff. So in the winter time when we caught colds the most, we naturally assumed it's because of the cold weather.

Well now we have access to books and science. A cold is a virus. Viruses come from other people and contaminated surfaces. Cold air does NOT bring on a cold. You can run outside butt naked for 2 hours and not "catch a cold" unless someone comes and sneezes their germs in your face.

Colds happen more frequent in the winter or when it's cold out because you are indoors more around sick people. I'll throw something extra in about colds. Cold medicine and vitamin C does not cure a cold virus. You have to let the cold run it's course. Cold medicine only suppresses the symptoms of a cold until it goes away.

The only way to prevent a cold virus is to become a hermit, stay home and never interact with anyone or anything. I know I'll feel better if your dumb ass stays home.

Stupid Belief 2: Pork is worse for you than any other meat

This may bother me the most. How can anyone put down my precious, PRECIOUS meat? Pork is awesome and delicious. Also, there is nothing stupider than a person who refuses to eat pork cause it's bad for you, but will eat the shit out of some fried chicken. Yeah, that makes sense.

Part of the reason pork gets the bad rap is because last century there was an outbreak of people getting sick from Trichinosis(or some shit). I don't have the exact details and I won't bore you with them in this post (feel free to Google...oh I forgot, you guys don't research). Just know that people got trichinosis and started fearing pork. Same thing happen with beef when mad cow disease broke out. Trichinosis comes from consuming raw or under-cooked pork. You would also get sick from eating under-cooked chicken and beef as well. But y'all haven't eliminated those from your diet permanently.

Pork can be just as healthy for you as any other meat depending on the cut and how it's cooked.

And yes, Bacon is bad for you, but if you stopped eating it everyday and only enjoy it sometimes, it wouldn't give you a heart attack. But that fried chicken will.

The other reason y'all stopped eating pork is this Muslim bandwagon that Black folk decided to jump on in an effort to NOT identify with the white man. But that's too much to get into right now. Just know the other reason y'all don't eat pork is because y'all listened to y'all Muslim friends about how pork will make God hate you because it's SOOOOOOO unclean. By the way, does your Muslim friend put down those fried chicken wings to pray for the 3rd time that day?

Funny how y'all are so selective about what to put in your body. Pork is bad for you so you don't eat it, but you go to the bar and chug down 5 gallons of liquor and buffalo wings. You're not impressing people with your declaration that you don't eat pork, you're only depriving yourself from it's goodness and you're still going to die. Oh, that leads up to the next stupid thing y'all believe.....

Stupid Belief 3: Death comes in threes

You know what else comes in threes? Sneezes and Farts.

I don't even know where this bullshit came from. Every time a celebrity dies, twitter always hollering about how death comes in threes, and waits patiently for 2 more famous people to die. What's worse is when a family member dies, and people start saying the same stupid ass saying. Like really, you can't just offer your condolences?

Let me tell you why this is stupid.

First, it says that famous people are the only people that matter on twitter. Second, people die all the damn time. A more accurate statement would be that death happens in infinity or some other stupid lame shit. Third.... never-mind a third reason, just stop saying this stupid shit.

You know what, I may be wrong about all this. Perhaps a person will die from not running outside naked in 30 degree weather and not taking cold medicine. Then another will die from eating that nasty ass pork that God hates. A third will die because for some unknown reason it's in the cosmos. When that happens, I will take all this back I said in this post and I will be the one looking stupid. But right now it's you imbeciles that  look stupid refuse to read and get your head out of your ass.