It saddens me that some of you broads life's mission is to become someone's wife. Alot of you went to college to either meet your husband or become better wife material. You bought your own house and car as soon as you could so you could prove your independance and that you don't want him for his money. You spend 1000s of dollars on keeping up your appearance. You fret and start to worry and make millions of posts on relationships and reasons why he's not marrying you. My question is: Why do you want a husband so bad. So soon, so early. Aren't you happy enough with your accomplishments to chill and bask in them a while. Is it because you are looking for validation from society, as a woman.
Men you aren't exempt either, but I think you just have a little more patience when it comes to settling down, so I'm not going to hard on you in this post..for now...
I have thought of a few reasons as to why women (shyt some men too for the most part) are super desperate for marriage, a life partner, a mate. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with wanting a life long companion, it just seems this generation is OBSESSED with it. Its like everything they do in life leads up to finding a life long mate.
What makes us drool over the idea of having a husband?:
1. Just because its another goal - You succeeded at all your other goals. You are successful. You have proven yourself a valuable member of society. This is just another thing to scratch off your list. Just something else to accomplish. Ask yourself the real reason WHY you want a husband so bad. Think about it..REALLY THINK.
2. Fear - Fear of being alone. Fear of being unloved. Fear that no one will want you. You become desperate to prove that you are marriage material. That someone will and can love you. You need someone else to commit to you to so you won't be the only friend w/o a mate or the lonley cat/dog lady. You gotta show your worth to men by having one of your own.
3. Insecurity - You aren't happy with just yourself. Think about all the friends you have. Think about all the family. You just aren't used to it just being you. You may even be a serial dater. Having had 5 long term relationships in the past 10 years. You feel like you aren't NOTHING unless someone of the oppposite sex says that they want you.
4. Daddy issues - your dad left you as a little girl so you didn't have a man in your life telling you were beautiful, worthy, special, needed. You didn't have that man giving you the self esteem you needed. So you feel like you gotta run out and get a man to feel valued.
What this society has taught us is that we need men to validate us. We go by their labels. We try so hard not to be seen as promiscuous. We try to act "perfect" at all times so that men won't see us in a negative light. All so we can meet a husband. This society has taught us that nothing is more important to a woman than having men accept you. As all my readers know..I EFFING HATE IT.
Think about it, you have all that I stated in the first paragraph. You probably have great friends. You have already accomplished a lot. Why on EARTH would you still be desparate for ANY MAN. You have plenty of time. You are not even 30 yet. You dont even know who you are, let alone who you want or need in your life.
Desparation leads to making bad decisions. You marry some dude and find out you can't stand him. You put up with all his shyt for the sake of saying you have a man. You cannot and will not be one of those women without a man. You listen to your man when he says "baby you better than them cause you have a man"
Ladies, we dont "need" them as much as our mothers did. Sure the "best" way to start a family and have kids is through marriage (I have my other views on that, but will leave it alone for now). But why are on earth are we trying to do this as soon as possible. Why don't we "sew our oats" like men? I know we dont have forever to make babies, but that's fine. You don't have to do it today. Live your life, find out who you are. Travel the world. You will meet someone.
Take your time ladies..be happy with yourself. Mr. Right will come along eventually. And he will love you for YOU and not who for who you made yourself to be to please him.
14 comments:
The simple answer...misery loves company. Just kidding, for real.
I don’t know why some young ladies are so eager to get married. I do believe it is pressure and stigma forced upon them by family and society. I can’t tell you how many times, my friends said they were tired of their parents asking when they were going to have grand kids. Fortunately, they were strong/patient enough to not settle with the 1st alright guy that came along.
As far as your brief mention about guys…you are right, we aren’t as eager or as pressured as some ladies may be and as a result we have patients in deciding on who we want to wife. I dated my wife for more than a minute before I put that rock on her finger. A great deal went into the decision but none of it was pressure from the outside.
lol @ misery loves company HAHA good one. But nah..I just think we dont value ourselves much without a man (and/or children). Men don't seem to have their problem, or do they?
@ True
I do think there is more pressure on ladies to find a mate, get married and pop out some babies. Far more worth is given to those that do. (as in the following questions “when are you getting married, why are you single, why don’t you want to have kids) those questions are rarely posed to men so I think the weight falls more on the ladies to bear these burdens…sad but true.
Now, while some guys do get those questions, I don’t think it is given as much weight. Or we just don’t care enough to give it weight in our minds. I did get asked a few times by my dad when he was going to get a grandkid but I pretty much ignored him (guys can do stuff like that…the mental block). I can tell you for a fact though, I did not consider myself any less of a guy because I didn’t have a kid or wasn’t rushing down the isle. I got married late in life (by traditional standards) and I have been just fine with it.
Though the thought does come to mind, ladies are up against the very real biological clock. Though modern science can help turn the hands back a few years there are risk associated with it. So that clock may have something to do with the urgency some ladies feel…
I dunno. Actually i do. it has alot to so with society putting pressures on us. Im kind of comfortable with my singleness, and independence, yet when i hit 25 single, i felt like family and friends were looking down at me. It becomes the topic of discussion amongst your homegirls, its becomes the one thing you dont have. Luckily im SELF confident. meaning my confidence doesnt depend on others. Relationships are not the end all be all.
project much?
There might be lots of tv shows/movies/magazines portraying the ideal life for women as being married...AND the desperate marriage hungry types might be very vocal....but - if you look at marriage statistics, less women are doing it and if they are, they are getting married at a later age (especially in the dc area). check out this link http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/blogs/sexist/2009/10/19/d-c-has-lowest-marriage-rate-in-nation-largest-percentage-of-same-sex-couples/
What an awesome post - however I am 36 and in that rut now.
lol @Jaylin4dc (project much)..LMFAO..Im not desperate to get married, I have already been married..but thanks for atempting to figure me out. Lemme guess, you are a male. LMFAO. Thanks for the link and thanks for posting. :)
@DCBuppie relationships are the end of LIFE (I keed, I have a strong dislike for them currently but thats another topic). But yes, I do agree that we aren't seen as REAL WOMEN unless we up under some man and birthing some babies. But again, thats old school way of thinking. Times change, they have to, thats just the way of the world. I'm looking forward to it.
@Three about the biological clock, you are right. We don't have as much time to birth babies. But we have so many more options now. We can adopt (which is perfect for women who don't want to mess up their bodies *wink*) we can wait till our lil sister becomes a crack head and raise her babies (ok I have a sick mind lmfao). But for real, I am finding more and more women deciding that they don't want kids. Especially in this separatist society, people are increasingly becoming more and more selfish.
More power to you all for doing whatever it is you want. Again thanks for reading and commenting.
I think its pressure from family and society. I get that from people but I started just saying really ignorant stuff when they ask. I don't know why people feel the need to pressure grown people. its so fucking rude! These ladies need to enjoy their twenties and have fun. Marriage is not a fairy tale. Excellent post of course.
I think that you argument is well written. I am a young professional male by the way.
I can not speak on behalf of women or their desires to do things specifically, but I do know that most of us behave in patterns that are guided by our generation and societal trends. Often times, we do not even know why we desire the things we desire or are in pursuit of the things we pursue. You would think that individual people have control over their dreams, desires goals etc, but in most cases we are controlled by the invisible "powers that be". Nonetheless, your insight and articulation of your thoughts is refreshing.
As you get older, though, more and more activites become centered around couples. Your friends get married, and you don't want to be the third wheel. Your work can "figure you out" a little better if you show up to the holiday party with a SO. I completely agree that everyone should take their time, be themselves while dating, etc., but society just doesn't favor single people in the same way as married people.
@DC Deb lol. I'll try that saying dumb things back, but then again, ppl know better than to say shyt to me about anytyhing
@Ricardo Thanks for the compliment and you are right, society does influence us more than we think they do. If one sits and really thinks about why they want the things they want, they probably will come up with nothing
@Convinceme Interesting point about everyone else being a couple and not being a third wheel, but that goes back to what Ricardo said about ppl wanting something but not knowing why. Don't want a relationship just cause your friends all have one..thats not a good reason. Plus there are plenty of other single ppl in this world, find some single friends.I Know I had to at one point
Thanks for reading
I'm late to the commenting party, but I thought this was a great blogpost. I actually emailed it to a few of my female friends for their reactions.
I'm single, 30 with a condo a car that's paid off... I have a great career and in the process of starting my own business.
Having been a child of divorce, living with my sister when she was going through a divorce, and NOW watching my best friend go through a separation it has changed my view of things. I'd rather wait and marry the right person, than to feel the need to be married and marry the wrong person.
I live my life. I try to go out as much as possible to events, cultural activities, to give the right person the opportunity to find me. He can't meet me if I'm sitting at home on my couch.
Thanks for the compliment Ms. V..and thanks for reading AND forwarding my post :).
Its never too late to revisit certain topics such as this. Kudos to you for doing your things. There are plenty of men you will have something in common with. You dont have to be married before the age of 30..shoot...I know some good friends that are happily married at the age of 33 - 34..better off than my friends who married in their 20's...:)
Post a Comment