A Few Things I hate about Church

If you follow me on twitter or know me in real life, then this post won't surprise you cause you already know I'm pretty much a heathen.

I wasn't always this way. I was raised by my grandmother so I was raised in the church. I was on the usher board, sang and played piano in the choir. I even thought I caught the Holy Ghost at times lol.

As I got older, and going to church became a choice, I fell off. I started reading the history of religion and how belief in God started in the first place and really started to change my mind regarding my faith.

So yeah, I pretty much don't go to church for obvious reasons. But all of my friends still do. That's fine. Most folk believe in a supreme being. I'm not so sure.

Still I don't mind church. So when my friend invited me last Sunday to go with her, I didn't refuse. It had been a while for me and I was dying to get out of the house.

After going....I decided to write this post. Going to church with her reminded me of why I stopped in the first place.

1. Parking - If you go to a popular church or small one, parking is always hard to find or do. You have to wait till the early morning service is over and some people leave before you can find a reasonable space, or you have to park far away. Or worse, you'd have to get there super early to get a good spot. It's like trying to drive down U street and get free parking all over again. I mean who wants to do this 2 days in a row. You just spent all night driving in circles in Adams Morgan waiting for someone to leave. No thanks

2. Having to touch strangers - What's up with the part of church service where you walk around and hug every damn body. I don't need heavy make-up lady's extras on my damn shirt. I don't want to smell the old man's breath after drinking last night and I don't want the lady that digs up her nose touching me. A simple head nod suffices for me. And if I refuse to hug people and let them touch me, then I look like a stuck up jerk. It's a no win situation

3. Creepy Ministers - I had never been to this church my friend asked me to go to Sunday. During the hug everydamnbody portion of the service, one of the ministers decided to carry on a long conversation with me about nothing. I can't even remember what he said. I just remembered the Clarence Thomas look alike kneeling in front of me, a little too close to comfort, and holding my hand longer than usual in an attempt to either check out my thighs or peek at my cleavage. Either way, it took him forever to leave and I ended up feeling a little violated.

4. Tone Deaf Soloist - If you want to be a famous singer, but somehow can't get there, church is the way to go if you have a decent voice. And even if you don't have a decent voice. There is always that person who they allow to sing solo that can barely carry a tune and end up sounding like their best attempt at karaoke. It's usually a lady to who tries to reach notes that she can't. People smile and clap making her delusions even grander. Then she doesn't want to stop singing when the song ends. She keeps adding more adlibs with more clapping. I really wish I could boo...but that too would make me a jerk.

5. Tithing - First off, I never carry cash. No one really does anymore. So needless to say I didn't have any money for the basket. Which is fine with me cause I think churches launder money anyway. They have all these different assed baskets for the building fund, tithing, church fund, youth ski trip, preacher's Bentley fund. Yeah I made that last one up. But no one really knows what is done with the money, which leads me to my next point

6. Non- Humble minister - Of course the minister had on this fly ass robe. And underneath it I'm sure it was an Armani suit. I don't have a problem with that except this church is in the HOOD. Then the fly ass wife comes strutting down the aisle late in her Armani suit and Loubotin pumps. :-|. Really? You a church in the hood, in the middle of the projects, and you in church wearing suits and shoes costing more than people make in 6 months. That shit really grinded my gears. I ain't putting shit in the basket. Put those $1000.00 shoes in the basket.

7.  Exiting Church - Leaving church is like a mass exodus. People everywhere..slowly walking out. It's like leaving the end of a football game or concert. You have to wait to walk out. Wait to leave the parking lot. It's a mess. And don't try and sneak out early. You get stares from and head shakes from the old ushers in the back. I almost wanted to stick my tongue out at the old lady.

I will say I don't mind the preaching. It's generally a positive message that boosts self esteem. If you take out the word "God" and "devil" from the speech, you can generally leave church feeling better about your problems and what not.

If I was to still be religious, I'm sure I'd be one of the people that attended bedside baptist and would watch my sermons from home.

But I'm a heathen soooooooo I'm going to watch some porn this Sunday instead.